i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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