New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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