Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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