mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
