I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
