I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize