Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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