We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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