we're blogging at a bar
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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