Me. At least after what I've been through.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
