He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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