You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
