last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
