I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize