Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
