There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
