We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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