Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
