thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
