Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
