When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
