Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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