Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
