What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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