Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
