i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
