Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize