I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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