Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
