I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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