The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
