Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
