last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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