I wish I could punch you in the face.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
