I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
