i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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