So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
