Umm I'm too high to move.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
