Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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