My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
