I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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