it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
