Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
4 words: hood of his car
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
