My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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