Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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