I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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