he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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