I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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