update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
