Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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