someone get that fucking seahorse.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
