New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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