From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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