did you get engaged???
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
