someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
