if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
