After last night, I could never be a politician.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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