I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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