I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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