We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
