What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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