How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
