He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
