Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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