I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
