I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize