Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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